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Oheessa kampanjapilottini Pyotr Arcus Truscottin tarina, tarkemmin sanoen siitä miten nuoresta kadetti Pyotr Arcuksesta tuli täysi soturi Klaanien riveissä; kertomus hänen nk. Trial of Positionistaan.

Kyseessä on ensimmäinen Battletech-tarinani, joten fluff-aukkoja tai vääryyksiä voi olla. Kritiikkiä kaivataan, vaikka olisikin vain lonkalta revitty "Aivan paska" tai "Aivan ihana".


- - -


"This is it, sibkin! Let rip!"

Pyotr's sibkin, Haydn, was overly enthusiastic - as usual. A Trueborn was supposed to be a cold killing machine, but Haydn had always been a fire-spirit, excited about almost anything. Pyotr sighed softly, and depressed the vox-trigger.

"Aff, sibkin. Just keep a level head, quiaff? This is a true Trial of Position - our Blooding. A dead cadet does his Clan no good."

"Always the serious one, Pyotr. Well, I will take your advice to heart, though caution and cowardice are oftimes readily bedfriends. But good hunting, Pyotr!"

"As for you, Haydn."

Pyotr shut the comm-link, and checked his radar. His first opponent, piloting a Rabid Coyote medium 'Mech, was approaching. This was not going to be easy; the Rabid Coyote was amongst the heavier medium 'Mechs, and it possessed a twelve-tubed advanced tactical missile launcher, ATM-12 for short, and the pilot had undoubtedly selected both high-explosive and extended-range warheads for his loadout. But then again, Pyotr was piloting a Blood Asp, the flagship of Clan Star Adder. He gunned his 'Mech into a swift stride towards the oncoming enemy.

The Rabid Coyote started to circle the small lake that was almost in the centre of the engagement area. Pyotr swerved his Blood Asp to the right, following suite and twisting the 'Mech's torso to the left, keeping his aim on the enemy. He knew that the lithe opponent was no match for the awesome firepower of a Blood Asp. But his instructors had warned him against being too sure of oneself. He hesitated, and as soon as the targeting systems gave a green light, he squeezed the triggers and let rip with an alpha strike. Not bad, he thought. That'll surely take him down. The Coyote had also twisted, and gave off an alpha strike of its own. Just as he saw that his aim was wide, he felt the shock of three lasers hitting his 'Mech. One barely scratched the heavy armouring of the Blood Asp's torso, but the two other beams hit the left leg. The sheer force of the impact sent his 'Mech careening, and though he tried frantically to keep his balance, the beast came crashing down. The force of the impact smashed his head hard against the cockpit interior. His neurohelmet did little to protect him, but he managed to grit it through the pain and kept his consciousness.

Unbeknowst of Pyotr, Haydn had played out a similiar act with his Kingfisher H, except that amongst the wildly fired-off shots in his alpha strike, one had hit the head of the opponent's 'Mech, a Battle Cobra of H-configuration. Luckily for Haydn, it had been the blast from a heavy large laser, the trademark weapon of the Star Adders. Its power exceeded even that of the Clan ER PPC, and the Battle Cobra's head was instantly fused into slag. The pilot of the Battle Cobra, Mechwarrior Nicholai, had been in line for a Trial of Bloodright in the near future, but not anymore. Such was the way of the Clans - human lives could be thrown away by the dozens without a second thought. But then again, thanks to the iron wombs, the "Canisters" as some of the warriors called them, the Clans could breed dozens more warriors to replace those lost.

After recovering from the shock, Pyotr adjusted the settings on his weapons control system; that alpha strike had produced unwanted heat backwash. Too much more, and he might cook off the ammunition for the Blood Asp's missile rack. He switched two heavy medium lasers to standby, and after standing up, let rip at the Rabid Coyote that had closed in with him. He saw his opponent open up the shield plates for the ATM launcher, and saw a volley of warheads fly towards him, accompanied by four slender blasts of light from the 'Mech's hand-mounted weapons. All of the Coyote's weapons fire hit home, even as only about half of his own firepower hit home. The warheads, as he realised too late, were high-explosives, and wrought hellish damage, particularly to his torso armour. The force of the blasts sent his Blood Asp careening again, this time backwards. Pyotr tried in vain to keep the 'Mech standing upright, but the top-heavy machine came crashing down another time. This time he managed to avoid smashing his head into the cockpit interior, though.

As Pyotr fell, he just managed to make out the Burrock across the field making its way towards Haydn's 'Mech, with murderous intent. Haydn ran straight at it, and fired away. He was as zealous as ever. As Haydn was lifting his 'Mech to an upright position, he saw the Coyote swerv around him in a wide arc. He judged the right moment, and ran in behind the nimble enemy 'Mech, adjusting his weapons control system anew. Before the Coyote pilot, a young ristar named Joel, could recover from the surprise, Pyotr squeezed down on the triggers, and all hell broke loose as another alpha strike erupted from the gun ports and muzzles of the Blood Asp. A missile from the streak-missile launcher found a breach in the Coyote's shoulder armour caused by Pyotr's gauss rifle earlier, and exploded inside the armoured shell of the Coyote. It almost ripped the arm clean off, leaving the husk hanging from mere shreds of armour and myomer bundles.

The Coyote set off at high speed, trying to outmaneuver the young cadet, but in vain. Realising warnings were flaring across his display, Pyotr switched back to a lighter weapons-fire protocol. The Coyote flitted through a nearby forest, but the targeting systems of the Blood Asp still had its bearings locked, and Pyotr let fly. The Rabid Coyote was showered in laser blasts and gauss rounds. The targeting systems announced that the streak-launcher hadn't gained a lock on the Coyote yet, but this didn't upset Pyotr, as a gauss round tore through the Coyote's left foot, shattering it through sheer force of impact. Amazingly, the Coyote's pilot managed to keep his 'Mech upright, even though he was forced into a half-limp half-run maneuver in a wooded area. This kept the Coyote from firing back, though, and Pyotr was really not in the mood for another crash onto the ground.

Over on his side, Haydn had managed to fell his next opponent, a Burrock BattleMech, by force of impact from his weapons fire, but he had to send his own 'Mech falling in order to narrowly dodge the deadly volley of autocannon rounds. That large-bore cannon was lethal to even the thoughest of 'Mechs. Meanwhile, the Coyote had managed to do a U-turn, and end up slightly behind the Blood Asp. Both 'Mechs were at firing arcs, and both sent their deadly showers towards the other. The Coyote's missiles impacted with Pyotr's 'Mech with devastating effect. The first missile sheared away the armour around the Blood Asp's left gauss mount, and the third warhead narrowly flew through. Out of all the things to hit, it found the shielding on the gauss rifle's magnetic capacitator. It destroyed the shieldings, along with an array of heat sinks. Without this precious shielding, the magnetic capacitators went haywire, self-destructing the entire weapons system! This in turn sent a blast of force through the Blood Asp's internals, completely annihilating half the torso. Pyotr cringed and spasmed from neural feedback as his steel beast was torn apart; the pain was too much for him, and he blacked out. Were it not for the integral CASE-ports built into all volatile Clan Omni-pods, Pyotr might not have seen his next sunrise. But still, the damage done had cut the Blood Asp's entire left arm free, and practically neutralised half of its firepower. On top of all else, the blast had sent the 'Mech sprawling again, and with its pilot unconscious, it fell yet again.

The Rabid Coyote scuttled around the fallen Blood Asp, limping on its shattered foot. No Clanner would ever strike a defenseless opponent without very good reason, especially not trothkin. When Pyotr came to his senses, he saw that the shield plates for the Coyote's ATM launcher were shattered, thick smoke pouring from behind them, and from the back of the Coyote as well. He realised he must have hit the ammunition bin for the launcher before blacking out; CASE-plates always faced backwards on Clan 'Mechs, hence the smoke from the back. Staggering up, blood trickling down his forehead and into his left eye, he hoisted the Blood Asp to lean on its one remaining arm, and taking steady aim, fired his intact gauss rifle. Unexpectedly, the shot hit the Coyote straight in the face, punching through it entirely, exiting from the back of the 'Mech's head. Well, so much for that ristar, he thought. But suddenly he saw a new contact on his radar screen, approaching unusually fast for its squat form. The feared Cauldron-Born H came running at him, cycling its large-bore ultra-autocannon to fire. Pyotr saw a thunderous hail of shells raining down on him, a few flying slightly to the right of his cockpit. The last thought that crossed his mind was how lucky he'd been; those shells could obliterate the head of a Dire Wolf, and it had only hit his remaining gauss system instead of his cockpit. After that, electric-laced blackness...


He came to his senses with coagulated blood all over his face, every neuron on fire, and a numbly throbbing pain in his left hand. When he awoke more, he realised where he was - still trapped in the cockpit of his downed Blood Asp. He touched his face, feeling the coarseness of dry blood, but something was different. He only felt half as much as he should have felt. Then he saw it with his one unblocked eye - his left hand was missing two fingers, the ring finger and the little finger. Oddly enough, they weren't sheared clear off, but the bones of the first digit had shattered or popped out of their joints, like as if the fingers had been crushed or torn off. This was the least of his troubles at the moment, though, as he had no idea of how long he had been unconscious for. He checked the systems, but the fusion reactor had auto-shutdown after his opponents had knocked down too many engine shieldings. Great, no eject system, then. He started to unbuckle his harness, and tore off his neurohelmet, pulling a good bit of the blood-scab off at the same time. He screamed, but continued to free himself from the steel prison. He finally got to opening the hatch of the cockpit, which had miraculously stayed nigh-intact. He clambered out, his now vermillion-spattered coolant-vest and a light undersuit as only protection against the elements. He saw the scrap of the Rabid Coyote gleaming in the fading sunlight of Sheridan's evening, and the signs of the earlier battle were everywhere. The downed Battle Cobra was barely visible some distance away, and Haydn's Kingfisher was lying amongst some trees not too far from the Battle Cobra. But nothing else. He was assumed to make it back on his own, so he clambered down from his now-destroyed 'Mech.

He had only walked a few kilometres when a transport VTOL, which he identified as an Anhur, came cruising towards the scene of the battle. It flew towards the downed 'Mechs, and landed not far from the Kingfisher. He ran back towards it, and when he reached it, he saw the instructor of his sibko. His instructor congratulated him upon his inception into the Clan Touman as a warrior in the 132nd Adder Guards of the Delta Galaxy, "Thunderstrike". He would serve under Star Commander Victor, who he later found out had been piloting the Cauldron-Born that had given him the final blow in his Blooding. Victor had taken a sharp interest in Pyotr during his early years in training. He had shown the signs of a true ristar, and as such deserved special attention. Now, the dream of every young Trueborn cadet in every Clan had come to fruition for Pyotr - he had become a warrior of the Clans. He asked his instructor about Haydn; regrettably Haydn had cracked his skull open against the internals of the cockpit while falling. The instructor seemed more disgusted at the fact that someone had to clean up the mess than at the fact that one of his pupils had med such an unbecoming end. But, such is the way of the Clans...


- - -


Jos jotakuta kiinnostaa, pelitin ko. taistelun MegaMek-ohjelmalla.

Hmm, mielenkiintoista. Joka minuutti tahdon aloittaa Battletechiin uudelleenperehtymisen enemmän ja enemmän...

Englanninkielesi on moitteetonta, pakko myöntää. Tottakai, luen ehdottomasti mieluiten suomea suomenkielisellä foorumilla, jopa tarinoissa, mutta erikoiset ideat ja hyvät tarinat saavat olla millä kielellä tahansa. Kunhan ne toimivat, eikä tämä jättänyt kylmäksi. Vaikka idea ja kuvailu olivatkin erinomaisesti tehty, tahtoisin kiinnittää huomiota muutamaan pikkuseikkaan, jotka lisäisivät tarinan tunnelmaa aika paljon. Huomioi, pikkuseikkoja.

Ensiksikin, kun olet valinnut puolen, jolta tutkiskelet tapahtumia (näkökulmako se oikea termi on?), kannattaa pysyä siinä. Jokainen asia, joka kerrotaa, tulisi olla selvillä vain ja ainoastaan sillä hetkellä tarkasteltavissa olevan henkilön kannalta mielestäni, muutamia poikkeuksia lukuunottamatta. Nyt kerroit minusta ainakin aika turhaan, liian ympäripyöreästi esimerkiksi vastapuolen mechien pilottien nimiä ja varustuksia, jne. Eihän tässä periaatteessa ole mitään pahaa, mutta kun tapahtumaa seurattiin Pyotrin (tyypillinen Klaaninimi? ) silmistä, oli mielestäni aika turhaa ottaa vastaspuolen mechien ohjaajia esillekään.

Toinen on tapahtumien kerronnasta. Taistelutilanteen hoidat esimerkillisesti, ja osumien vaikutukset mecheihin kuvaillaan erinomaisesti. Mutta hahmot, ne asiat jotka luovat tarinan kuin tarinan, jäivät kylmiksi ja etäisiksi. Novelli ei ole novelli pelkällä taistelukuvauksella, siitä ei päästä mihinkään. Taistelukuvauskin voi olla tapahtuma ja todella nautittava lukukokemus, jos annetaan pohja johon verrata ja tapahtumat/hahmot joihin samaistua. Futuristisiin mech-taisteluihin nykyihmisen on kovin vaikea samaistua, varsinkin ilman perehdyntää, joten jäljelle jäävät hahmot.

Esimerkiksi se, kun Pyotr kaatuu lopulta mecheinensä maahan Gaussikiväärin raastaessa Blood Aspin käsivarren sijoiltaan. Totta, Pyotr herää istuimeltaan verissä päin ja kokeilee otsaansa. Hän irvistää kivusta (ellei Klaanipilotteja työnnetä täyteen kivunpoistajia tai huumeita, tai he eivät muuten vain tunne kipua. Tiedänhän minä että ne ovat kovaa porukkaa, mutten enempää) ja vilkaisee ympärilleen. No niin, siinähän se pirulainen näkyykin, ja Pyotr noustaa irvistäen mechiään oikeaan kulmaan. Mies kiroaa vastustajansa alimpaan helvettiin, ja laukaisee tappavan salvonsa räjäyttäen viimeisen vihollisensa kappaleiksi ennen pökertymistään.

Eli, tarinat loikkaavat hienosta kuvailusta eloon niillä eväillä, miten kuvailua käytät. Ei riitä että on verbaalisesti lahjakas ja osaa käyttää useita eri sanontoja ja kielikuvia ilmaisemaan monia eri asioita, täytyy myös osata luoda sillä kuvailulla hahmoille luonne, jokin tilanne ja käyttäytymismalli jolla saada ne elämäään lukijan mieliin, niin että hän muistaa seuraavan viikon tyylikästä kohtausta jossa juuri se hahmo teki juuri sitä. Tarkempaa, juuri hahmokohtaisella tasolla, kuvailua ja luonnehdintaa tapahtumiin. Juurikin pikkuasiat ja yksityiskohdat luovat tunnelman ja tekevät tarinasta hyvän.

Myös lopussa kaikki selostettiin vähän suurpiirteisesti, ja Pyotrin ohjaajan ja hänen keskustelunsa olisi ollut varmasti mielenkiintoista luettavaa. Ennenkaikkea se olisi antanut lukijalle mietittävää ja kivan lopputunnelman. Liian tyhjentävät loput ovat aina pahasta.

Toivottavasti sait jotain selvää selostuksestani. En varmaankaan saanut ihan kaikkea irti siitä, mitä tarina minussa herätti. Erinomainen sepustus kuitenkin, pidin tämän lukemisesta. Odotan innolla seuraavaa Battletech tarinaa, josko siihen saiismme jonkun juonen tyngänkin. Pyotr ensimmäisellä tehtävällään, hmm...

Kiitän sydämellisesti tyhjentävän tuntuisen arvostelun johdosta; muita mielipiteitä saa ilomielin kirjoittaa. Taidan kyllä jättää tämän ihan tällaisenaan, koskematta siihen ollenkaan. Seuraavaan tarinaan yritän sitten kehittää henkilöllisyyttä hahmoille. Se vihollisten nimeäminen oli muuten pieni moka; olin aluksi ajatellut liittää siitä jotain loppuun, mutta täytyy myöntää että meni vähän myöhään tuo kirjoitus, ja oli koulua seuraavana aamuna, eli olisi pitänyt antaa sen muhia yön yli päässäni. Noh, seuraavalla kerralla paremmin ja oppikaamme virheistämme, jne.

Englannin valitseminen kieleksi johtuu osittain siitä, että pärjään paremmin sen kuin suomen kanssa (osaan sulavammat artikulaatiot ja sanasto on ehkä piirun verran laajempi), ja siksi ettei käännöstyötä tarvitsisi tehdä jälkikäteen ulkomaalaisfoorumeja silmällä pitäen. Plus, mahdollisten teknologiatermien takia alkuperäiskieli taitaa olla helpompi.

Tähän on kyllä vähän vaikea lisätä enää mitään tuon yhen takia, mutta sen sanon, että oikein mukava oli. ^_^ Tosin meni sekavaksi vähän noiden tavaroiden ja nimien takia keski/loppuvaiheilla. Pitäisi varmaan lukea ajatuksen kanssa vielä pari kertaa uudestaan (ei sillä, että mitään olisi mennyt ohi, täysin ymmärrettävää tekstiä). Tämä tosin saattaisi aueta paremmin tuosta Battletechistä enemmän tietäville, joten eikun tutustumaan. Kiitos tuosta linkistä.

Voi olla että heitän liikaa teknistä ja liian "sisäpiirimäistä" tekstiä; korjaan ehkä tyyliäni hiukan tulevaisuudessa, ainakin näin alkupään tarinoissa tai jos jotain täysin uutta tulee vastaan. Minusta voisin kirjoittaa tarinat niin että jopa täysin BTstä tietämätönkin pystyisi lukemaan niitä menettämättä paljoa.

Muuten, jos joku BTstä tietävä spottaatoisten Klaanien Verinimiä "ei-Verinimellisten" hahmojen joukossa, olisi kiva tietää - etten aivan kirjoita hölynpölyä. Katselen joskus Adderien nimilistaa ChaosMarchilla, ja muistan pari niistä ulkoa, mutta muiden Klaanien suhteen tietämys on vähän niin ja näin.

Otin muuten ja kirjoitin tarinani lopun uusiksi, mutta en ala editoimaan alkuperäistä. Otin Riimun palautteesta opikseni; tässä uusi "v1.1"-versio lopusta, joka korvaa viimeisen kappaleen yllä.


- - -


He had only walked a few kilometres when a transport VTOL, which he identified as an Anhur, came cruising towards the scene of the battle. It flew towards the downed 'Mechs, and landed not far from the Kingfisher. He ran back towards it, and when he reached it, he saw Martenn Talasko, the instructor of his sibko.

"Greetings, cadet Pyotr! Or rather, Mechwarrior Pyotr of Clan Star Adder. Congratulations, you have made it through your Trial of Position, earning the rank of Mechwarrior. Were it not for that Rabid Coyote, you could even have become a Star Commander. I see a true ristar in you, young Trueborn. You will yet go far..."

Pyotr managed to grit it through the pulsating pain in his hand, and replied.

"Thank you, Ovkhan Talasko. I will serve my Clan with honour, and make you proud."

"I am sure of it. You will serve in the 132nd Adder Guards Cluster, in Delta Galaxy - 'Thunderstrike' as it is known. Your Cluster is based here on Sheridan, and your commanding officer will be Star Commander Victor. Oh, I think there is someone here whom you would like to meet..."

Martenn walked towards the downed Kingfisher with Pyotr following, where three people - clearly mechwarriors - were standing, pointing at the metal carcass. As Pyotr and Martenn approached, the three turned to face them. The tallest of the three, white-haired and silver-eyed, spoke.

"Ah, is this our new warrior? You fought well, Pyotr. Were it not for Joel's masterful fighting, you could have taken my place as Star Commander. But for now, you will have to do with taking Joel's place under my command. I am Star Commander Victor, and I think you will be interested in knowing that I piloted the Cauldron-Born today."

Pyotr was slightly surprised. Not too long ago this man had fought him in mortal combat, and now they were exchanging pleasantries like sibkin. But then again, such was the way of the Clans.

"I thank you for your kind words, Star Commander. I shall not fail your trust."

"I am sure of it. Our Star is a heavy Nova, and as such you will be entrusted with not only your own OmniMech, but also with transporting a Point of Elementals to battle. You will meet the Point Commander later on, but for now, meet almost all of our Star. Here is Derek Truscott, Bloodnamed Mechwarrior and if I am not mistaken, trothkin to you. I recall you being a candidate for the Truscott Bloodname yourself."

Victor had gestured at the Mechwarrior standing to his right; he was slender but still powerfully built, with hair of a flaxen-blonde colour not unlike Pyotr's own pale-blonde. Derek's eyes were small but deep sapphire blue. He was admiring the downed Kingfisher, and turned around to greet Pyotr.

"So, you will be our new addition. You have been the subject of discussion in the warrior caste; many believed you would become a Star Commander, or even more. You are a ristar, no one can discredit that. I am glad to be able to fight alongside you, trothkin."

"Likewise, trothkin. If I am to become Bloodnamed, I hope it will not be your death that brings about it."

Victor continued the presentations, gesturing to the young woman on his left.

"And this is Mechwarrior Annah, the 'heart of ice' even among Trueborn."

Annah actually looked physically cold, being slightly pale, with her black hair and almost white eyes accentuating this. She looked at Pyotr rather formally, with the slightest amount of contempt.

"Greetings, Mechwarrior Pyotr. I hope you will bring honour to our Star."

Martenn cleared some dust from his throat, and spoke.

"I believe that you might need some medical attention, warrior. Let us leave at once."

The Mechwarriors followed him to the Anhur, and as they were walking back, Pyotr remembered Haydn, and asked about his sibkin.

"He is dead, warrior. He cracked his skull open against the cockpit interior when his Kingfisher was downed. An awful mess; I pity whichever Clansman is assigned to clean up that cockpit. But then again, he was always a bit hotheaded and impatient for the warrior caste. The bad end of the sibko's genes, I am afraid."

Martenn seemed more annoyed than saddened at the unbecoming death of his former pupil. But, such is the way of the Clans...

Kerpeleen perkele... Tulin juuri tietoiseksi eräästä fluffivirheestä. Klaanilaiset eivät koskaan omaa muuta nimeä kuin etunimeään, ja mahdollista Verinimeään. Noh, unohtakaa se Arcus... En ala tätä tarinaa editoimaan tässä; editoin tekstitiedostoani ja postaan sitten sen tämän päälle. Eli, tarinassa on alunperin ollut enemmän nimiä (lue: etu- ja sukunimet)...

EDIT: tehty

Pidin enemmän alkuperäsestä, ehkä vähän inside juttuu osa termeistä, mutta klaaneilla ei ole tapana paljoa taputella sotureita selkään menestyksestäkään, sitä pidetään jokaisen soturin velvollisuutena ja siten lähes itsestäänselvyytenä. Oli muuten ihan jees taistelukuvaus, osa kaupallisista on paljon kuivempia ja sekavempia kirjoissa. Klaani mentaliteettikin tuli ihan hyvin esiin "ei voi sattua jos ei tuu verta ...PALJON!" Eikä siellä näkynyt lyhenteitäkään, aina plussaa. Muistutti aikapaljon yhtä juuri lukemaani fluff tekstiä head shotteineen, en nyt muista missä, joku uus BT ohjekirja.