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Cadian Remnants : The end of the road

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Thelacan
Viestit: 2011
Liittynyt: Ma 03.05.2004 17:59
Paikkakunta: Helsinki
Viesti:

Cadian Remnants : The end of the road

Viesti Kirjoittaja Thelacan »

Noh, sainpas piiitkästä aikaan tänne taas tätä saagaa jatkettua. Tosin omasta mielestäni tässä tökkii jokin mutta en tiedä mikä. Ja linkit aikaisempiin osiin. Ja onhan tämä hieman lyhyehkömpikin, tai ainakin siltä näyttäisi. Elkää huolestuko, on minulla vielä mehukkaita ideoita joilla saadaan tarina lähemmäksi päätöstään :).

Prologue & Happy reunion
Holed in position
Turn of the tide
Ignition of Malice
Eye of Hatred
The Truth beyond the Death

The end of the road


´Get some firepower on that tank! I want it out!´ Lieutenant Keffer yelled. The house was under heavy fire from the traitors across the street and now they had a serious problen. Traitor predator had come and now the house almost rocked under the tank’s firepower. Another big chunk of concrete wall was reduced to rubble as the infernal crew of predator kept firing it’s lascannons. Another band of cultist charged within the traitor lines. They screamed, they roared, like madmans cultist’s got closer all the time. Even thought the fire from the guard’s get mowing them down there were just too many.
´Let’s give those primal bastards some taste of solid slug shot!´ Shouted Ellard and got into position near the opening in the wall. Johnson took a position opposite him. They nodded and readied themselves for the cultists. Hastings and Brim took the second opening which was freshly made by the predator. Adolf was giving the Predator hard time to protect it’s vulnerable sides from heavy fire of the autocannon’s and his grenade launcher. Julius guarded the front door and nervously handled his power sword. The air was full of bullets and stabbing lasers. The heavy bolter kept dealing it’s wrath on the cultists, churning them up with high-caliber bolter shells. As the fastest and luckiest cultist managed to reach the close opening in the wall, he got shot. From point-plank range with an assault shotgun, his head blown clean off. Ellard reloaded quickly and dealt another shot at the mass of bodies.
´Johnson, now!´ He shouted and gave way for Johnson with his flamer.
´Let ‘em have it!´ Johnson screamed and pulled the trigger. The gout of fire engulfed the tight group of cultists. But that was just a delay for the inevitable. Cultists tried to push themselves forward, not caring about the dreadful flamer.
´They just keep coming!´ Johnson shouted in panic as flaming cultist almost managed to cleave him with a swing of his crude blade. The indicator on his flamer showed that he had anymore about quarter of the fuel remaining. He cursed and kept burning the heretics. Something heavy dropped on the ground beside Johnson but he didn’t notice it.
´Grenade!´ Yelled Ellard and managed to kick it back to the cultists. Grenade exploded, fragmenting bodies and showering sharpnels everywere. Hot fragment under his skin, cultist fell to the ground, screaming in pain and clawing his face in agony.
´I’m out of fuel!´ Johnson shouted and backed back to cover.
´Were in trouble here!´ Ellard shouted and kept shooting enemy with his shotgun. Julius was coming to aid but Keffer stepped between.
´You help Brim and Hastings, I’ll do my job here.´ Keffer said to him. Julius nodded in acknowledge and left for the other opening.
Keffer gripped tightly his chainsword and pointed his pistol forwards. He grinned.
´Prepare to die scum!´ He yelled and charged against the struggling cultists group. The chainsword sawed through clothes, flesh and bone easily. He put a bolt after another in the heads of the heretics, blowing their dark minds to the wind. At the other opening Hastings and Brim were frantically repelling the enemy mass.

´We’ll crush their skulls under our iron tracks!´ Gaggled the insane driver of the infernal traitor predator. The tank started to move slowly forwards. Suddenly a sentinel jogged behind a building, firing it’s autocannon at the predator. The crew started to turn the tank around to protect it’s vulnerable side armour. Powerful shots scratched the tank. Luckily one shot found it’s spot, breaking the joint that kept it’s left sponson in place. The lascannon dropped to the ground with a metallic clang. The turret reversed to face it’s new threat. The sentinel disappeared as powerful laser beams pierced it’s weak armour and made a wreckage of it in seconds. The ratling sound in the tank’s right side reminded the driver of the remaining threat and started to turn the tank around again.

*****

Sartain looked throught the commander’s periscope and cursed as he witnessed the inevitable doom of the sentinel.
He would have this revenge... He thought, gritting his teeth as the tank rolled forwards, the building in their way moving more and more away from blocking the sight.
´There! Fire, fire, fire!´ Sartain yelled as the tank got a clear sight at the predator. Demolisher cannon roared, deafening everyone inside the tank. Seconds later the predator exploded, creating massive fireball which illuminated the battlezone. The wreck of the predator was left burning as the heavy bolters from the demolisher spit deadly fire at the entrenched Iron Warriors. Sartain was sure, that he could hear the cheerful shout coming from the pinned guardsmen, he smiled. The tank rolled slowly forwards, allowing the Hell Hound to get past it to burn the heretics.
Sergeant Harrel led his men to take cover behind the traitor positions.
´There. We’ll put some grenades in that room when the heavy weapon bastard reveals himself.´ Harrel whispered through the com-link to his men.

*****

The flames searing the surface of the chimera were dying, the armour plates were blackened by the flame, it’s crew most likely dead. Except one...
Hand came up from a ditch, long and black trench coat’s sleeve was burned and tattered. The hand was burned, bruised and scratched. The figure cursed and moaned. He stood up fully, and walked to the chimera. His gaze upon the dead comrades was melancholy. He kicked in frustation the pintle mounted storm bolter. The weapon’s joint was weak and it cracked. The figure smiled coldly as it picked up the fallen weapon.

*****

Iron Warrior Vaska readied his missile launcher and stepped closer to the window. Bullets from the heavy bolters swept the buildings surface, creating large holes on the concrete. He kneeled and raised the launcher on his shoulder and aimed.
Suddenly, his aiming was distrupted by few clangs on the concrete floor beside him. He turned his head and cursed as he saw couple of frag grenades spinning gently on the floor. Grenades exploded, the small room was full of sharpnel to even treathen the migthy power armours of the traitorous space marines. Vaska fell to the ground, his armour breached by the grenades, he was going to bleed to death, so severe were his wounds. He tried as his last resort to destroy the enemy tank, for it was his duty and he couldn’t tolerate failure. As he picked up his launcher, shadow outside the building shot a ball of plasma. Vaska collapsed to the ground with a hole in his chest.
Schaak witnessed the painful death of his battle-brother. But he didn’t feel sorry for Vaska, for he and many other traitor marines had forgotten their emotions as they betrayed the all mighty Emperor. He tapped the side of his helmet to get its enhanced vision to turn on. As the enhanced vision activated he shot a couple bursts at the door, killing the fool humans. He clipped a frag grenade from his belt and threw it out.

Harrell noticed the grenade and decided to do his duty in a millisecond. He pushed his comrade out of his way as he dodged on the grenade, covering his mates from it. His squad didn’t even has time to understand what had just happened. The muffled explosion sent a fresh tear in everyone’s eye. Now they would kill the enemies for a revenge. But even the adrealine and hatred wasn’t enough to save them from the high-explosive bolter shells which ripped them in parts. The Stormtrooper squad had been executed brutally in the crater by one Iron Warrior. By one Iron Warrior who now laughed cruelly on the corpses.

------------------------
- Kynä-ääliö
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Inexis
Viestit: 512
Liittynyt: Ke 29.10.2003 15:31
Paikkakunta: Helsinki

Viesti Kirjoittaja Inexis »

Tästä minä pidin. Sopivan hektistä meininkiä, kuolevia kerettiläisiä ja...ja...muutenkin asiallinen!:) Kuvailua oli hyvin, mielestäni virheitä ei ollut, ja tarinan kirjoittaminen näyttää toimivan myös mainiosti englanniksi. Keep up the good work!
Warmachine & Hordes ranking: http://ordoaboensis.fi/wmh-ranking
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Coridus
Viestit: 1020
Liittynyt: La 05.10.2002 15:36
Paikkakunta: Rovaniemi

Viesti Kirjoittaja Coridus »

Jatkas nyt lisää. Sopivaa tekstiä, ainoa vika on että IW:tä teurastettiin. ;)
Mechanized Salamanders
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Iron Warriors

40k since third edition.
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vexa
Viestit: 175
Liittynyt: Ti 21.09.2004 19:47
Paikkakunta: Tampere

Viesti Kirjoittaja vexa »

Kyllä oli muuten jälleen niin perkuleen hyvää tekstiä, tämä Cadian Remnants on mielestäni parhaita Sotusta lukemiani tarina sarjoja. Kyllä se englanti minunkin mielestäni toimii (ja plussana ei tarvitse kääntää). Jatka samaa malliin.
"Another day nearer the battle,
So drink up my lads and look brave,
'Cos every day nearer the battle
Is another day nearer the grave."
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Thelacan
Viestit: 2011
Liittynyt: Ma 03.05.2004 17:59
Paikkakunta: Helsinki
Viesti:

Viesti Kirjoittaja Thelacan »

Kiitoksia kommenteista. Toivottavasti seuraavan osan kanssa ei kulu yhtä kauan ;).
- Kynä-ääliö
Dimensus
Viestit: 395
Liittynyt: Ti 05.10.2004 22:40
Paikkakunta: Lahti/Orivesi
Viesti:

Viesti Kirjoittaja Dimensus »

Sanoisinko että huomattavasti laadukkaampaa kuin tuo sinun faba-novellisi, mikä oli sekin varsin laadukas, niin että on nyt sitten perin laadukas, jos luudukkuutta nyt voidaan noilla määreillä mitata, mutta silti, tämä on laadukas, sanoi kuka tahansa muu sen laadukkuudesta mitä tahansa. Mutta nyt, pari asiaa, jotaka eivät olleet laadukkaita:
We’ll crush their skulls under our iron tracks!´ Gaggled the insane driver of the infernal traitor predator.


Elikkäs... Mikäli gaggled tarkoitti hihittää yms. niin silloin tuo lause jo kertoo siitä, että kaveri on hieman hullu, joten sitä lienee turha toistaa enää, toista kertaa... Ja sitten, suomennos kertookin kaiken:

"Me murskaamme heidän kallonsa rautatelaketjujen(?) alle" hihitti helvetillisen petturi predaattorin hullu kuljettaja.

Eli, tuo nyt vain kuulostaa tönköltä kun sanot suoraan että hän on kuljettaja.. Jos sen jättäisi mainitsematta ja sanoisi vain jotain siihen vihjaavaa esim. seuraavassa lauseessa. Vaikkapa että se kaveri kääntäisi ratista yms, niin että tulisi selväksi että se ohjaa tankkia, ettei sitä tarvitisis sanoa suoraan.. my opinion.

Taistelun kuvaus oli onnistunutta. Sopivan kaoottinen fiilis, jne.. Vähän kesken tuntui jäävän, ja en oikein keksi mitään fiksua jatkoa tälle. Tai että mitä tämä jatkaa. Tämä tuntuu lähinnä itsenäiseltä tarinalta, tai prologilta.. Mutta se ei poista tarinan laadukkuutta.

Annan arvosanaksi 8. Perin laadukasta tekstiä.

Psst!

http://www.sotavasara.net/keskustelu/vi ... hp?t=42079
hevi on kuin luoti tai moukarinisku, se vain kolahtaa koviin jätkiin.

"paikkakunta: Kempele"

-Omenapoika
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Thelacan
Viestit: 2011
Liittynyt: Ma 03.05.2004 17:59
Paikkakunta: Helsinki
Viesti:

Viesti Kirjoittaja Thelacan »

Tämä on jopa laadultaan parempaa kuin fantasia-dantasia johon oikeasti yritin täysillä paneutua? *Shock* :D
Kai se täytyy sitten pysyä englannin kielisissä tarinoissa tai jotain.

Predator-kuskin lausahdus oli vain semmosta pakon omaista täyttöä (ja varastettu Dawn of War pelistä).
Olettaisin että lukasit kaikki osat? Olen kyllä samaa mieltä että jatkoa on ollut vaikea keksiä, mutta toivottavasti tästä ei tule tarinasaagaa jonka kirjoitus on kestänyt yli vuoden ;).

Mutta kiitosta kunnon palautteesta.
- Kynä-ääliö
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