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Kirjoitan tätä tarinaa sitä mukaa kun jaksan. kenties kerran, pari viikossa. We'll see...


Diggin Xenos

Class Delta Drillship, Planet Chrystalmere, Sector Hydra (beta)

-Chief, we might have a problem...
-What is it Marco, another oxygen leech?
-not this time, thank the emperor. This is something quite different. You know those scans I took off the rock we hit yesterday...
-yes..?
-Well, them wasn't rock chief, it was... well, take a look.
-What exactly am I looking at here? Is this what scale?
-Thats a click diameter shot at the lakebottom just below us. about half click throught the bottom into the chrystalsandstone. You see the form in it?
-Oh my emperor! It's huge! Definitely a xenos artefact of some sort, maybe habitat. And we are totally fracked! Have you reported this up?
-Not yet chief. Thought I run it through you first. I say we bury it...
-Good man. Yes, maybe it's better we just forget we never saw it. Bury it as you say. And yet, there are some who would pay handsomely for xenos artefacts... A plan occurs..
-Are you thinking we should sell it and then jump ship?
-Excatly! Great idea marco! We'll salvage it, sell it up and disappear with the money!
-Umm chief...
-Yes, i know, marco, we cannot possibly do it by ourselves. We take the crew into it! You know our crew, they'll jump to it!
-Well, yes, they will.
-You are in it too arent you? Marco..?
-Well, Im just an old intelligence officer. There is not much for me in money... Still, I have always wanted to see Earth...
-and you shall! Okay, what I want you to do is you initiate whipscan and thermal scan of this thing, to see if it is dormant of not. I'll assemble the crew and we go from there. Clear?
-Yes, chief. Yet a thought occurs: what about inquisition? Xenos will be on us like flies to crapper if this leaks out...
-Do not worry marco! I said I have a plan! And a great plan at that! Trust me!

********************************
Temporary offices of inquisitor (junior) Janus Aquila, Imperial research station Vigilant, Sector Hydra (beta)
'sir, we might have a problem...'
My sage, old cramps, startled me from deep thought. It seemed i had nodded off while hatching a good enough excuse to dust off from this hole. You see, I had been diggin for Necron artifacts on Hellion when the call came to assemble here for a lecture. The lecture was titled 'new findings upon Tau artefacts', and it was proving to be tiresome one. Especially to such Ordo Xenos inquisitor whom had used a modified tau rifle in ops two years running... Anyway, as a last resort I had send old Cramps to dig naval security channels for anything Xenoslike I could jump upon. To get off this darned place you know... and now he was back! let us see what he has for us!
'What's up Cramps? Nefarious necrons afoot? Raiding raiders on the rampage?'
'Nothing as exciting as that, I'm afraid, sir. Just a curious naval report. From Chrystalmere...'
'ahh! the very place we found that thingummy with spikes?!?'
'The temporal needle... Yes, the very place. Here's the report sir. '
I took the report from cramps. it was standard military intelligence, dreary stuff. It seemed the author was about as familiar with commas as he was with Tau technomancy. Still, there was something there. Ahh!!!
'You are smiling sir... Something funny?'
'Hah yes! they have pulled the old dental chart trick. Havent heard it used for ages!'
My smile widened. It was ancient ruse. I would have never thought somebody so idiotic as to use it these days. 'And see here they have used it on twenty personnel!'
'How do you figure?'
'See here? all bodies burned to crisp. Identification only through dental charts when bones were dug up. Fortunately, writes the security officer, ship's doctor had updated the dental charts only week before the accident! Good heavens cramps, are you saying you did not see it?'
'well, I have never heard of this dental chart trick... What is it?'
'I'll fill you on the way to the chrystalmere.'
'We're leaving sir?'
'Oh yes. This could be big. Call Bianca and tell her to pack everything. Ill be at Aquila ASAP. Harker is there already so we can dust off immediately you two arrive.'
'Very well sir. But what about the lecture?'
'Oh, do not worry about it. I'll hail commander Mercor as soon as we are in deep space!'

****************************************

Imperial research station Vigilant, Sector Hydra (beta)

The station seemed pretty much deserted as I cruised towards the docks at the early morning. Suited me fine. I was ridin a requisitioned military motorcycle, and because of the lack of traffick, I was able to go full pelt!

The docks got into wiew, along with Aquila, my temporary ship. It was a grand sight. It was custom made to resemble an old wooden battleship, masts and all. The masts even had sails, that were used as solar sails in space, and ordinary sails when on sea (the thing could float like an ordinary ship!). At the rear of the hull, two enormous crome sylinders told the wiewer that there was a powerful plasma engine on board.

I had come to the temporary ownership of the ship some three years ago. Me and my team had been chasing some xenos cultists at Eden, the pleasure planet. At one point we hit the orbital space docks and there it was: the most beautiful spaceship we had ever laid our eys upon. Instantly we stormed the ship so as to ask for a tour from it's captain. We found him, captain Harker, at the cargo bay. Along with 240 crates of highly illegal alcoholic beverages. Seeing we werent arbitors, Harker immediately pleaded for leniency. After some thought on the matter, I decided to give him a change. He could either go to imperial prison for ten years, or he could work for me for the same amount of time. And when I promised he could keep the beverages, he readily agreed to become my personal transporter.

As I turned to the brightly lighted pier Aquila was currently moored, I commed Harker, 'Get the plank out. I'm coming on board.'
When the sturdy metal gangplank started to grind it's way to connect with the pier, Harker commed back, 'You gonna bring that bike in too?'
I looked at the bike. It was military model, sure, but the owner had given it a really neat paintjob of bright, metal flaked blood orange. And added some chromeworks too. After a while I shrugged, 'Might as well. I am an iquisitor after all. I have thusly the right to take any supplies I deem needed, no matter their previous owner!'
'Whatever you say kid', commed Harker. 'Get with it to the cargo elevator two. You can settle it along them crates. And while you're down there, kid, pick a few bottles of Aquarian Sun Wine for me will you. I'm running out.'

Soon after I stepped into the captains cabin with two bottles of wine. Harker was there and nodded to me as I got in.
'So harker, I quizzed, what does a man have to do around here to get a decent glass of Dreamer's whisky?'

At the Aquila

I sat in an luxurious armchair, sipping Dreamer's whisky and feeling mellow. Captain Harker was busy flipping swithches at the remote control board he had installed at the lounge, surely to be nearer his beloved winerack. From here he could do such basics as raise sails and such.
Harker was just as singular as was his ship. he had a dark, long, curly mane of a hair, dusky skin, waxed moustache and heavy gold rings on both ears. He had acquired the style form some ancient picture books he had. these books depicted old wooden ships of, well, old, and their manly captains. Seeing as the ships on those pictures were always adorned with skull symbols, I was sure they were some sort of imperial battleships of old...

'So where exactly are we going, kid?' inquired Harker in his fatherly fashion.
'We're off to Crystalmere, 'I answered. 'We were there some years back so you might remember it. It's in system.' This got a nod, and more switches were switched. 'Departure happens as soon as Bianca and Old Cramps appear.

Old Cramps, his real name Clarence something, had been a graduation gift from my mother. Se had thought that every inquisitor needed a sage, and had thus given me one of hers. Cramps was about eighty, and quite hale for his age. Bald too, as sages tend to be...

as for Bianca, she was my bodyguard. Appointed to me by the ordo. She was a small, rotund woman in her fifties. I was her last call of duty, so to speak. As soon as I rose to the rank of a full inquisitor, she could retire. She was thusly pretty miffed that after five years I was still a junior inquisitor. But more of that later. Bianca was also a very good friend of old Cramps, though I thought that there was more to it than mere friendship.

I was interrupted in my musings by the huffing and puffing emenating from the hallway. Soon the double doors to the lounge were thrown open, and in came Bianca. She looked a tad angry, and when she spotted me at the corner, she dropped the pile of crates she had been carrying and hissed; 'You selfish little idiot! It never occurrd to you we may need some help lugging all our stuff all the way to the docks!?! Clarence almost died from the exertion, having to drag that grav ledge! Emperor's teeth!'

I looked at Cramps as he all but crawled in, and decided not to inquire as to why had they not contacted the motorpool for transport. Instead I rose, filled a new class with whiskey (Dreamer's, naturally), and thrust it to Cramp's shaking hands.
'Drink up, Cramps!' I exclaimed, 'It'll put hairs to your baldy head!'

*******************************************
Vaihdoin tuota repliikkityyliä toimivampaan, eli siirryin käyttämään lainausmerkkejä. Vaihdan saman tyylin noihin edellisiinkin kappaleisiin, heti kun muistan ja ehdin. seuraava kappale tulee sitten kun taas jaksan tulla kirjastolle!

At the Aquila

The Aquila slipped out of the docks, it's sails tucked away, and masts pulled inside the hull. The area around the research station was notoriously full of space debris, and thus it was better to keept the sails out of harms way.

Cramps had settled himself on the sofa, where he lay, nursing his shot of Dreamer's. He looked visibly better, what with his lips losing their blueish tint, so i gathered him to be all right. Bianca, on the other hand, looked still miffed, so I decided to break the ice a bit.

'Bianca,' I said, 'Did you find any good holodramas while we were in station? I heard there was a good sized mall there...'

A synny smile spread itself upon Bianca's battlescarred visage. 'Yes, yes I did,' she said and started immediately rummaging inside one of her package crates.

Bianca was a holodrama fan. An addict, really. She had shelves full of holodrama recordings at her cabin. To give you an exampe, she had all the 2124 episodes of Arbites Blues, amount which took her years to collect. And that is just a tip of an iceberg when we are talking about her collection. And this hobby of hers was a brilliant thing to us as a team. Why, you ask? Well, space travel takes time, and there is nothing better than to watch old classic holodramas when traversing the deeps. Trust me on this.

'I finally found the first season for the Bald yet Beautiful,' continued Bianca, her face by now beaming. 'I've been looking for it for ages! You see, there was this dingy old holostore at the mall. Turned out it mostly sold holoporn to passing guardsmen, but happily they had some real stuff too. And hey, I found something for you too! Look at this: Guardsmen Behaving Badly!'

'Guardsmen behaving Badly???' I exclaimed. 'You bought me porn?!?'

'No, silly,' smiled Bianca. 'It's a comedy series. The clerk recommended it. Said that the first and last seasons were a bit crap, though, so I took the ones between. Cause i know you like comedies!'

'Thanks!' I said and meant it. I loved good holocomedies. And still do. As for the news that the first season of B yet B (as it is know to the connoisseurs) was finally unearthed, I could not help but shudder.

To those not in the know, Bald yet Beautiful tells a story of a bald, yet beautiful (groan...) sage girl, who happens to fall in love with her superior, an ordo malleus inquisitor (of all things...). There are thousands of episodes, each episode more syrupy and unlikely than the last. For some strange reason, Bianca and Cramps lapped it up like were chilled soycream.

'That's all very interesting,' interrupted Harker, 'But I'm all ready to boost us out of here...'

'Well, boost away!'

'I would, kid, but I hear tell you have some message to send up station...'

Drat. The message. I should have commed commander Felix, the most obnoxious man in the galaxy (and my superior to boot), and tell I would be missing the rest of the lectures. He would've surely gotten pissed. 'Frack that,' I finally said, 'I'm calling mother.'

I went to harker and called up station's relay. After giving them my inquisitorial code and then istructions as to whom the message should be delivered, I started:

'Dear mother, it's your favourite son. I'm heading to Chrystalmere to check some intell. Xenos might well be involved. But I have to see to it personally to be sure. So please inform Felix about it and try to make sure he is not gonna chase after me like he did the last time. I'll see you at fathers anniversary at Cadia at the latest. Love you. Bye.'

'Awww, he loves his mum,' cooed bianca. And grinnign at this remark, Harker hit the boosters and got us on our way.

At the Aquila

It was about a week to our travel to Chrystalmere when we espied a strange vessel upon the deeps. We tried to give the massive spaceship a wide berth, but to no avail. It had spotted us, and was soon cruising side by side with us.

Suddenly the the strange ship hailed us: 'This Is The Captain,' our vox boomed, 'Thou Hath Violateth The Unwritten Laws of This Forum. As A Punishment For Thine Most Heinous Crimes Thou Shall Die! Prepare To Meet Thine Thrice Cursed Emperor!'

'Wait,' I crieth unto the voxcommer. 'Please! At least let us know our crimes in full so that we may ponder upon them as we die!'

I was just buying time here. I, of course knew of The Captain, and knew that our doom was upon us. I took hold of my crew and hastened us to our escape pod, as The Captain started ticking off our crimes.
'Wery Well, Foolish Mortal,' boomed The Vox.' Thine Crimes Are As Follows. First, That Thine Narrative Is A Way Too Funnier Than Mine. Seconly That Thine Characters Are A Way Too Likeable And Realistic Than Mine Ever Were. Thirdly...'

We had been told, back at the academy, that The Captain was a foul entity of chaos. He had appeared one day from the warp, at the helm of an ancient, and totally warpcorrupted, imperial battlecruiser. Scholars were not sure as to which chaos god this The Captain belonged, but they were totally sure that he was irrevocably, and totally, mad. No ship had thus far survived his ire. And to add to this blashbemy, he had followers around the galaxy, a cult which was easily regogniced by the outrageous beards it's members sported.

'And Lastly,' Berated The Captain as we were already settled into the escape pod, 'Thou hast Wronged The Past Tense In Such Ways That Maketh Mine Teeth Ache Some Horrible. Now, Die.'

'Wait!' Cajoled Harker, in a last ditch effort to save his beautious ship. 'I have a moustache! I'm really your secred follower!' But it was not to be. With a mad laughter resonating through the vox, the Aquila started shaking and buckling with the incoming fire. Quickly Harker cast us free, and in the cover of the coruscating explsions emenating from the hull of the Aquila, we made our way to safety.

As we were getting our heading back towards the research station, Bianca suddenly wailed: 'My holodramas! All my holodramas! Gone! And we never saw those first episodes of the Bald yet Beautiful. Booooohoooooo!'

-Well, let it not be said that there is not a bright side to every situation! I thought as I made my way to the cockpit.


***********************The End***********************

Tarina editoitu parempaan kuosiin alkukappaleiden osalta, ihan vaan niitä varten jotka jostakin syystä haluaa printata koko jutun.

Tarina sai yllätysloppunsa koska käsiin alkoi käydä tuo kirjoittaminen (varsinkin kotona puhtaaksikirjoittaminen kynällä...) Ja koska olen kuka olen, en malttanut olla naljailematta tuossa loppukappaleessa! Toivottavasti kapun niska ei punehtunut kauheasti...

kommenteja tarinan suhteen saa yhä laittaa... Jos joku uskaltaa!