WH40k tarina "Destiny of Brathorius"

[Hena]

Kun kerran täältä loytyy tälläinenkin osasto, niin en voi olla kaivamatta vanhaa tarinaa vuosien takaa ja postaamatta sitä tänne. Siistin vähän tuota ulkoasua kun luin sen uudestaan läpi, mutta eiköhän sieltä vielä virheitä löydy. Joten tässä olisi.

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Destiny of Brathorius

Air was full of smoke and bits of earth. Ground was shaking around him as artillery batteries ware blasting the surrounding area of the bunkers. Inside the bunkers the Thousand Sons marines were waiting for the moment when those cannons would stop firing and the assault against them would start.

Brother Captain Brathorius was waiting within deep contemplation of his life. He had foreseen the outcome of this battle already – for his god Tzeentch had gifted him with foresight – and was not worried. His flashes from the future had never been wrong and his own unit knew his powers and believed in them. He knew already that they would crush the insignificant Imperial Guard forces in the oncoming battle and that the city of Dorgar would fall under their forces. He had no doubts of what would happen to those in the city when it would be taken.

Shaking his head he looked around him. The marines within his unit were standing in full combat alertness and yet were relaxed around the gun ports. The cultists who had joined them after their arrival to this planet were huddling under the protection of walls every time a cannon shell exploded nearby enough to shake the walls. They were waiting for something to show them strength.

“Pitiful fools were they.” Brathorius though “With no understanding what they had done, only knowing that they could not turn back. They had made their choice earlier before we had arrived and sealed their path when they joined to our force.”. He knew that over the half of the cultists would not survive the battle ahead and felt no pity them. Neither would he try to boost what puny amount of morale they had left. Sudden silence aroused him from his thoughts and he realised that the barrage had ended. He checked his weapon. The assault would soon start and with it... killing.

Brathorius looked around the battlefield. It was littered with corpses blasted apart and some wounded that would be taken care of their cultists bands that searched for anything valuable or living person for their little games. Something catched his eye as he was walking among the corpses and he turned to see a commissar laying on the ground. One of the commissars arms had been ripped off by some shrapnel and his stomach and chest was cut in few places as well. But with pure willpower alone he was slowly and painfully raising his bolt pistol to bear on his enemy. Brathorius was watching with interest as the commissar - after pulling the trigger few times - realised that the clip of his gun was laying on the ground. While the commissar was trembling with fury and pain, Brathorius brought his bolter around and shot the commissar in the head causing it to explode.

But in his thought Brathorius was tired. We was tired to the millennial butchering and yet was unable to stop. It was one of those accursed gifts he had. He could not commit suicide and cursed to keep on living. Many thought his powers and abilities were true recognition from his god but he knew they were just to keep him alive as a plaything for his accursed god. He was tormented with century after another of life, seeing in advance that it would continue and unable to do anything to end it. He saw others, pitiful and weak, who were able to taste the sweet end. Felt his own hopelessness about it and...

Suddenly he heard the thunder of engines above him and saw a blue thunderhawk gunship blasting its way over the bunkers and land near them. Even as he turned and shouted commands to his unit he saw marines with blue armour leaping out of the gunship and start their assault. Even as he ran to engage the enemy something within him screamed for joy for in his subconscious he saw something that would happen and for that he attacked them with full vigour of his cursed existence.

[Azured]

Ihan mielenkiintoinen näkemys Suuren Muuttajan alamaisesta. Tekstissä oli kuitenkin muutama lauseopillinen virhe, joka teki lukemisesta hiukan turhan hankalaa. Esimerkkinä tästä toimikoon vaikkapa viimeinen lause kokonaisuudessaan. Kirjoitusvirheitä ei juuri silmiini ainakaan häiritsevästi osunut, mutta kieliopissa olisi parantamisen varaa, ainakin artikkelien käytössä.
Nillitys sikseen, tarina itsessään oli ihan ok, mutta siitä puuttui aika paljon kaikkea vetovoimaista. Koko tarina tuntui liikkuvan hiukan niinkuin unessa, ja tarinan tempo pysyi liian samanlaisena koko ajan. Hiukan värikkyyttä tekstiin eikä kannata oikoa liikaa toimintaosuuksia, ne kun tuovat tämänkaltaisiin tarinoihin sitä kaivattua vetreyttä.
Non Sine Approbatur.

[Hena]

Ihan mielenkiintoinen näkemys Suuren Muuttajan alamaisesta. Tekstissä oli kuitenkin muutama lauseopillinen virhe, joka teki lukemisesta hiukan turhan hankalaa. Esimerkkinä tästä toimikoon vaikkapa viimeinen lause kokonaisuudessaan.

Oletan että se olisi pitänyt jakaa kahteen osaan. Eli piste ennen and:iä. Mutta moiset huomiot kyllä kiinnostaa, Jos haluat näyttää muita kohtia niin antaa mennä vaan.

Kirjoitusvirheitä ei juuri silmiini ainakaan häiritsevästi osunut, mutta kieliopissa olisi parantamisen varaa, ainakin artikkelien käytössä.

KIrjoitusvirheistä pääsee eroon oikolukijalla, mitä itse olen käyttänyt. Myönnettäköön ettei tarkistuksessa tullut esille kuin muutama asia. Voitko antaa muutaman esimerkin noista artikkelien käytöstä?

Nillitys sikseen, tarina itsessään oli ihan ok, mutta siitä puuttui aika paljon kaikkea vetovoimaista. Koko tarina tuntui liikkuvan hiukan niinkuin unessa, ja tarinan tempo pysyi liian samanlaisena koko ajan. Hiukan värikkyyttä tekstiin eikä kannata oikoa liikaa toimintaosuuksia, ne kun tuovat tämänkaltaisiin tarinoihin sitä kaivattua vetreyttä.
Non Sine Approbatur.

Osittain oli tarkoitus. Tarinan juju ei ole sen toiminnassa. Ehkä värikkyyttä enemmän pitäisi miettiä miten sen sinne lisäisi. Lyhyissä tarinoissa ei tarvitse kiinnittää samalla tavalla huomiota itse toimintaan vaan ajatusmaailmaan läheskään yhtäpaljon kuin pidemmissä tarinoissa. Tässä tapauksessa saada lukija ajattelemaan mitä se viimeinen lause oikestaan tarkoittaa (tai oikeastaan kaksi viimeistä jos sitä muotoilisi).