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Cadian Remnants : For The Emperor

Onko kynä (tai näppäimistö) miekkaa mahtavampi? Tule ja todista, että näin on - muuten emme usko.
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Thelacan
Viestit: 2011
Liittynyt: Ma 03.05.2004 17:59
Paikkakunta: Helsinki
Viesti:

Cadian Remnants : For The Emperor

Viesti Kirjoittaja Thelacan »

Jeehaa, jälleen uusi osa. Arvasin että kyllähän se sieltä tulee kun vähän pinnistää. :)
Perinteiseen tyyliin linkit aikaisempiin osiin.

Prologue & Happy reunion
Holed in position
Turn of the tide
Ignition of Malice
Eye of Hatred
The Truth beyond the Death
The end of the road




For the Emperor

´Dem marine-boyz is ‘ere!´
´We’z da orks an’ you is not!´
´We’ll stomp ‘em for Gork an’ Mork!!´

Thyrganian gazed the green horde with hatred. The orks were standing in front of his marines, waiting for a command to charge. The firing line aimed carefully with their bolters, looking for exposed parts of the green bodies. But he didn’t care much about the orks, although their number was huge, there were a greater foe. The traitors. He caught a glimpse of silver armoured figure. Behind the orks were a row of silver armoured figures, standing taller of most orks. Then the unheard command was spoke.
´WAAAAAAAAGH!!!´
The greentide rushed forwards with their warcry. Bolters spat death to the xenos as Death Company once again surged for a counter-attack, led by Thyrganian. Death Company pierced the ranks of the orks, penetrating deep in to the green sea. Marines with bolters kept dealing death, and as orks approached too close they drew their chainsaws and charged forwards.
The battle raged with hatred and death. Taunts, warcry’s and praises were shouted. Steel against steel, man against beast. Blood smeared every one, the last breath was lost in the sound of battle.
Thyrganian smashed the orks chest, blood pouring down on his fist as he parried an axe aimed to his neck. Backslash from the sword removed the head of the ork. Spinning low, he hacked the legs of another ork, stomped on its neck. Roar filled his ears and he glanced upwards. Sudden evade saved him from the giant axe. The ground was turned to mud from the blood spilled on it and the big axe of the monstrous ork was buried deep into the ground. Thyrganian smiled coldy inside his helmet as the ork tried to wrench it’s axe free as he walked confidently towards it, smashing side to side to harry the orks away from him. The ork turned to face him with it’s bare hands, gleaming red eyes staring with defiance and hatred.
´For the Emperor!` Thyrganian cried and charged forwards. The ork laughed, and drew a blade like Thyrganians power sword, althought much bigger. It slashed with unnatural speed. He rolled to side and slashed wildly with his blade. Thyrganian’s blade scored a deep wound, drawing black blood. Then the ork backhanded him with it’s bare hand. He flew almost ten meters backwards, his helmet was cracked. Luckily his neck had not broken. He tore the disapled helmet free and stared at roaring ork right front of him. He kicked out, the beast staggered back as blood flowed from it’s broken nose. Thyrganian was instantly back up and rammed his power fist in the chest of the ork. Quick slash at the orks arm forced it to drop it’s blade. The hatred gave Thyrganian strenght and punched again, and again. Punch after another in the beasts chest started to affect. He saw that now was the time to deal the finishing strike, and stroke the power sword towards the orks head. But with one last roar of defiance it gripped his hand and twisted it. He grunted in pain as his wrist snapped and the sword dropped from his grip.
With roar he slapped the ork with the glove. Ork released its grip and fell to the ground, beaten. Thyrganian took a couple steps backwards, and his eyes caught with a stained bolter on a ground, beside a fallen brother. He picked the bolter and pain flared in his wrist but he put the pain aside.
´By Emperors Will, my brothers shall be avenged.´ he said.
Klak.
Burst from the bolter shredded the head of the beast. He spat on the twisted body and glanced around. The orks were ready to flee, their boss was dead. He yelled at them, sending them to flee. Thyrganian was amused for a short moment as Iron Warriors opened fire. Every single ork was dead within seconds.
He turned his head around in grimace. Ground was filled with blood, internal organs, bodies scattered. Many brothers were dead, they would be avenged. Marines who could still fight formed rank to him, aiming at the traitors, waiting for a command. Iron Warriors stepped forwards and lowered their bolters.
Thyrganian stepped forwards, thus came from the silver line the traitor captain.
´I am Brother-Captain Thyrganian, and I always tell the foe who has been his Reaper, even to a wretched traitor.´ Thyrganian said.
´Now now Brother-Captain, the pleasure is on my behalf. I am Captain Coridus, doing my Master’s Will as you are doing the Emperor’s. But how come a dead assume orders? How can you please the dead? How can you do His Will when he is not alive?´ the traitor said.
´Silence! You’re ignorance has left you blind. You have been told nothing but lies. How can you trust the Great Betrayer? The despaised fool who had been lured into a trap, who had been possessed with daemons? The Great Manifest of lies itself? Your Master would even leave you here to die if he has no need for you. But you can’t be never forgiven, you will never have a place in this world, not even in this universe. Even your most trusted brother could stab you in the back.´ Thyrganian replied.
Traitor captain stepped forwards, he’s gleaming claws offering nothing but death. Thyrganian sneered and levelled his bolter and emptied the clip into the head of the traitor. As traitor recovered from the fire Thyrganian was upon him, swinging his heavy-hitting glove in frenzy. Same time the battle erupted between loyal and traitor. Death Company charged, bolters ranging on their armour. But they didn’t care.
Coridus crossed his hands, managing to parry the blow aimed to his chest. He kicked at the kneecap of his foe, sending him staggering back. Coridus slashed with both claws. Thyrganian parried another with his glove but lost the bolter and arm was shortened to a bloody stump. He roared in pain and smashed the face of the traitor. Coridus tumbled backwards and tried to get free from his squashed helmet. He felt strong slap in his chest and how he flew couple of meters before landing on ground. He coughed blood and managed to tear the helmet away. Thyrganian was weak, the loss of blood and the earlier battle had made him pay. He grunted as he dropped to one knee and tried to ease his breath. His body was pumping already painkillers at max-rate. Coridus got up and laughed at the weakened captain. The battle raged around them furiously, every one was fighting deadly and bloody close combat. No more shots afar, only point-blank shots aimed for the heads of the foes.
Suddenly the traitor captain was punched to ground. Thyrganian looked as frenzied Death Company menber roared in hatred and defiance at the traitor and emptied his bolt pistol at the lying figure on the ground. It howled once more before going back to the midst of the battle. Thyrganian smiled and painfully rose. Coridus wrenched himself up and cursed. The bullets had pierced his chest and now blood oozed freely from it. Then he locked the eyes on the space marine captain. Once again the loyalist captain was charging against him with unnatural fury. He grasped the power glove with other claw, and sliced with the second claw. He was left staring blankly as the claw only scratched the power armour, instantly realising that the power-cord had been damaged some how. Thyrganian chukled and kicked his foe in the groin. His glove was free and used this to his advantage and ripped the power-cord free from the other claw too. Coridus backed couple steps, his opponent had disarmed him competely, he wouldn’t stand no more a chance. He tried to think hard, but it was too late. Thyrganian smashed his fist into the chest of the traitor, sending him back to the ground were dead belonged.
The number of traitors were no match for the fury of the Blood Angels. Soon, every one traitor were hunted and cutted to the ground, giving them the Emperor’s Mercy. Marines gathered around Thyrganian and gazed the wretched traitor captain with menace.
´The Emperor’s Mercy is no use to you, traitor.´ Thyrganian spat and punched the traitor once more deeper into the muddy ground.
´Take care of the wounded and gather our fallen brothers. Their names shall be engraved in the Wall of Honour.´ Thyrganian spoke.

*****

The Hellhound scorched the building, burning the taint away from it. Julius gathered his men and fronted Keffer.
´Good job, sergeant, bloody good job.´ Keffer said.
´That’s why were here, doing the bloody job.´ Julius replied. Keffer chuckled.
´Sergeant Dezarov!´ Keffer shouted. Hastly a guardsman scrambled to the ground floor of the building. Saluting Keffer.
´Sergeant Dezarov reporting, sir!´
´At ease sergeant. You will accompany Sergeant Haleng and his squad with you men. He is in command.´ Keffer replied.
´Yes sir!´ came the reply and he scrambled back for his squad at the second floor.
´Sire?´ Julius asked and looked Keffer bit puzzled.
´He’s a competent man, don’t worry. You and your men has an new mission.´ Keffer replied and took a map and spreaded it in front of him.
´Your new mission is to take control of that building. It should be between us and the Astartes. We’ve had no contact at Astartes and we want early warning if enemy tries to flank around there. There is already one, small detatchment though, there. And a Basilisk tank. There had been reports of small enemy attacks at them, mostly of orks. Do you understand?´ Keffer explained.
´I do. How strong is Dezarov’s squad?´ Julius asked.
´Seven mens, including me.´ came the answer beside Keffer. Julius nodded to the sergeant.
´Okey, let’s roll out.´ Julius ordered.
Pile of men rumbled out of the building, making their way towards the old skycraper, which had only partially collapsed. It now loomed in horizon, standing over other buildings, once in it life time it had touched the skies.

----------------------------


Sori Coridus, Keisarin tahto on voimakkaampi. ;)
- Kynä-ääliö
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Coridus
Viestit: 1020
Liittynyt: La 05.10.2002 15:36
Paikkakunta: Rovaniemi

Viesti Kirjoittaja Coridus »

Kiitoksia sitten hemmetisti.

OK tarina, tosin ehkä hieman liian lyhyt. Kiitettävän hyvin kuvattu.
Pieniä parannuksia olisi voinut tehdä, muutamia kieliopillisia virheitä, mutta enklanninkielen kanssa temppuillessa niitä sattuu.
Silti.

Thrice Cursed imperial Fools!
Mechanized Salamanders
Tau
Ravenwing
Iron Warriors

40k since third edition.
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Warcrafter
Viestit: 353
Liittynyt: Ti 18.11.2003 20:50

Viesti Kirjoittaja Warcrafter »

*taputtaa* Erinomaista :D !! Lisää vaan tollasta. Tuleekos muuten komissaari Piet takaisin kehiin piakkoin ?
"Cast off your fear!...Look forward!...Go forward!"
"If you retreat you will age..If you hesitate you will die"
"Shout it! My name is..."
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Attila
Viestit: 1015
Liittynyt: La 12.02.2005 17:35
Paikkakunta: Helsinki

Viesti Kirjoittaja Attila »

No. Niin.

Tarina ei ollut lainkaan paha. Suomeksi kirjoitettuna se olisi voinut olla mainiokin. Hieman nilkuttavalla englannilla... Noh.

Perusasiat olivat kunnossa melkein kaikki. Pronominit viittasivat sinne minne pitikin, jne. Mutta genetiivit olivat hieman hakusessa. "Sen" on "its" ilman heittomerkkiä, "hänen" on "his" tai "her", jälleen ilman heittomerkkiä. "Örkin" on "ork's", ja "örkkien" "orks'".

"Klak" ei kyllä näytä boltterin ampumisääneltä.

Ja lopuksi neuvoisin lisäämään aktiivisia verbejä, elikkäs niitä jotka loppuvat tavuun "-ing". Nyt tarina on passiivinen, ja näyttää enemmänkin listalta toimista kuin toiminnalta.

8-
Taktiikka? Minä olen täällä heittämässä noppaa.
Strangten
Viestit: 256
Liittynyt: Su 04.08.2002 11:59
Paikkakunta: Kuopio
Viesti:

Viesti Kirjoittaja Strangten »

Kieli tosiaan oli hieman kömpelöä, mutta tarina itsessään oli ihan mukava. Ei mitään elämää suurempaa, mutta jaksoi lukea. :)
Osa taistelukohtauksista oli tosin hieman omituisia - tiedän että örkit ovat vahvoja, mutta että örkki tempaisee mariinin kymmenen metrin päähän pelkillä nyrkeillään? En myöskään usko että power armour on niin taipuisa, että sallii mariinin potkaista örkkiä naamaan...
Muuten oikein mukavaa luettavaa.
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Lihamestari
Viestit: 2758
Liittynyt: Pe 04.02.2005 11:49
Paikkakunta: Valkeakoski

Viesti Kirjoittaja Lihamestari »

Okein mukavaa, kokoajan vain pyöri mielessä että tarinan kolme ensimmäistä riviä ovat kuin suoraan Dawn of War:ista.
Maailmojen Tuhoaja, Elävien Jumala, Taivaankannen Kannattaja, Vuori Kultainen,
ne nimiä on vain ja nimet otetaan nyt pois!
Jos kasvoillesi lankeat,
se mitä pelastaa?
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Thelacan
Viestit: 2011
Liittynyt: Ma 03.05.2004 17:59
Paikkakunta: Helsinki
Viesti:

Viesti Kirjoittaja Thelacan »

Kiitosta palautteesta. Typoiltahan ei vain voi välttyä kun kirjoitus vie mukanaan, mutta täytyy käyttää tämä tarinasaaga joskus vaikka enklanninopettajalla ja julkaista uudestaan, kokonaan korjattuna :).
Attila kirjoitti:"Klak" ei kyllä näytä boltterin ampumisääneltä.
Eihän se ollutkaan ampumisääni, vaan latausääni :P.
Lihamestari kirjoitti:kokoajan vain pyöri mielessä että tarinan kolme ensimmäistä riviä ovat kuin suoraan Dawn of War:ista.
Niinkuin ovatkin. Dowissa örkkien lohkasut ovat vain niin hyviä että niitä pittää käyttää.
- Kynä-ääliö
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