Flow charts and missing pencils (40K office parody)

[hullukoira]

Here's a light spirited and short story about life in the offices of the 40K world. It's called:



Flow charts and missing pencils


'GOOD morning people!'

Andy Portwell did not bother to look up from his datapooler. It was not nessessary. Only one person in the branch could summon that sort of energy to their voices at nine o'clock, monday morning. Ronald Ratcliffe, the head of internal discipline. But what was he...

'Not a palaver, not a palaver!' prayed Andy fervently, repeating the words like a mantra in his head.

'A palaver time, people!' shouted Ronald energetically. 'Gather round, now. I want to see you all in the gahvey room in three minutes!

Andy groaned. A bleeding palaver. Still, it was to be expected. Ronald loved to organize staff meetings. It probably made him feel needed and important. Or something. Sighing, Andy clicked his datapooler to auto, and shuffled to the gahvey room, exchanging tired glances with his collegues.

'Now,' said Ronald, when all had sat down around the large round table at the center of the rest room, 'as you might recall, it came to our attention last season, that during each month, quite a many pencil goes missing inside this branch. Many would have dismissed such subject as unworthy of investigation. However, I instigated such anyway. And it was well that I did. Here, take one of these flow charts I have produced about the matter, all of you. You too, Andy.'

Andy groaned. A flowchart. A bleeding flowchart. About missing pencils. Great. Andy groaned again, and settled his balding head in his hands.

'Andy, Andy, Andy,' berated Ronald, whom had noticed Andy's lack of enthusiasm. 'I get the impression that you are not very interested in this meeting. I would like to remind you, Andy, that I am your superior. Think of an army: In the army, you listen to every word your superior utters. Every word, no matter how insignifigant. For those words may contain something that will safe your life one day. Do you get my drift, Andy?'

Andy nodded just to get Ronald to move on, and took a sip of gahvey. In actuality, he did not get Ronald's drift. To Andy, Ronald was like one of those automatons that had been given the gift of speech. They could speak, with coherency, but most of the time the stuff they said made no sense whatsoever. It was like the man had no grasp of context. Or like he was a man, but he had been taken over by a daemon of the warp, possessed, if you like, and now the said daemon was trying to use his brain functions so as to pass for an ordinary human...

'Back to the point, people,' continued Ronald, waving his charts around like battle banners. 'Now as you can see from your chart, The amount of pencils that go missing each mont is approximately ten pieces. From this branch. This may not sem much to you, but I have done some comparative testing on other branches. Interestingly, the miscounts are very close to same. Ten pencils per month.'

'Yes,' granted Sylvia from the exhance. 'But that's not very much, is it? I mean it's not like it's going to bankrupt the imperium...'

'What do you mean to say, Sylvia? Do you think that my investigation is worthless of notice, is that it?'

'By no means, Ronald!' Sylvia cringed. 'By no means! Plese go on. An let me refill that cup!'

'It is understandable enough that you think so, Sylvia,' admitted Ronald. 'Ten pencils are not much. But think of this: There are one hundred seventy branches in this office. Moreover, There are two thousand such arbites offices upon this planet. The pencils add up. If ten pencils go missing from each branch every month, it means 1700x2000=3400000 lost pencils per month, planetwide. Three million and four hundred thousand! That is three whole truckloads of pencils! Every month! THAT, Sylvia, might not bankrupt us, but it does make a Very Large Hole in our pockets!'

There were whistles from around the table. Only Andy seemed indifferent to the whole thing. He had been thinking about daemons. For Ronald did have a tendency to talk like one possessed. Moreover, the man was overly pale of complexion.

'Now what did it say about possessed in the guarsman's manual?' pondered Andy as he looked at Ronald over the rim of his gahvey cup. 'Pale skin, talks oddly, yes, but what... Oh yes, they do not like light. And their eyes are weird. Unfortuntely the bastard has tinted glasses so I can't verily see his eyes. Hey! Tinted glasses! That must mean Ronalds got sensitive eyes... Well now!'

'What is so funny, Andy?' quizzed Sylvia from across the table, as she noticed a smile spreading itself over Andy's normally so sombre face. 'The company is losing thousands of creds over these pens, and you think it's funny?'

Andy just waved at Sylvia, hoping Ronald would not pick on it. Fortunately Matt, the office's official paranoid, decided to dip in to the conversation with an Opinion.

'Three truckloads of office supplies would make a lot of cash,' Matt said loudly, tapping the side of his nose, 'if you knew whom to sell them to! No doubt there is a shortage of pencils in the underhive! No doubt the poor underhivers would verily queue for a cheap pencil of imperial make!'

'You mean the pencils were stolen?' Andy quizzed, to get Matt into full steam.

'Of course they were!' Matt intoned, rising up. 'From underneath our noses! Very clever job too! I mean, nobody notices a pen disappearing now and then! Or cares! But many a little brook builds up into a mighty river, as my daddy was wont of saying! Three truckloads! Now, what we have to do, is to figure out a person, or persons, that have access to all our branches, and whom could do such pilfering without us noticing! It has to be somebody quite innocent looking, with full access! A cleaner maybe, or that gahvey kid that brings us sandwithces and lime every day! Mister Ratcliffe! With your permission, I would like to call up security and get them to arrest those very persons for immediate incarcreation and impending interrogation!'

'Now, now!' cried Ronald, his face going pale. By now, he was standing too. 'Let us not be too hasty! Surely, there is no need for security at this point. Better to investigate first all the avenues that...'

Andy moved silently away. The meeting was clearly over. Time to get busy! Sitting down at his desk, Andy took a clean sheet of paper, and started to write.

'To the offices of the Inquisition,' wrote Andy, tongue in cheek. 'Dear sirs. It has come to my attention, that an employ of the Imperial Arbites offices, one Ronald Ratcliffe, has been acting rather worryingly of late. The behavior of the person in question points clearly to a daemonic possession of some level. The marks of the possession are...'

************************************************

It was the next morning. Andy was sitting in the gahvey room, sipping hot brew, and smiling happily, as other employers drifted in. There was no sign of Ronald.

'Where IS Ronald?' quizzed Sylvia as she came in, taking off her coat. 'I needed to see him about a memo. But he is quite disappeared!'

'Oh, I saw him!' quipped Matt from the back of the room, where he had been hidden behind a pile of paper. 'He was being dragged somewhere by a pair of toughs!'

'A pair of thoughs!' exclaimed Sylvia. 'I hope you called security!'

'I meant,' said Matt, 'but just then a pale chap stepped on to me and said it was all right. Said it was Inquisitor business. At that point I scarpered. I do not trust those inquisitors, you know. They're up to no good, you mark my words!'

Andy just grinned wider, unnerving everybody. Just then the door opened again, and in stepped the gahvey boy, a young, likely lad who sold sandwitches and refreshments around the office buildings. Seeing the lad, Matt narrowed his eyes and stepped smartly up front.

'Oh, hi, Matt,' the lad smiled, proffering a buttered roll. 'The usual?'

'Oh, um okay.' Matt took the roll and then pulled a pen from his pocket. 'By the way, lad, would you like a pencil???' He asked, eyes all sly.

The gahvey boy looked at the proffered writing instrument, then shook his head. 'Thanks Matt, but no,' he grinned, and pointed to his well stocked pen pocket. 'I have a full rack already, see!'

'AHA!' shouted Matt. And pounced.


The End

[IRiaD]

Osaat kyllä kirjoittaa hyviä tarinoita, totta tosiaan...

Mutta loppu jäi kaivelemaan. Oliko Ronald demonin vallassa? Kuka varasti kyniä?

[hullukoira]

Osaat kyllä kirjoittaa hyviä tarinoita, totta tosiaan...

Mutta loppu jäi kaivelemaan. Oliko Ronald demonin vallassa? Kuka varasti kyniä?

Niinpä! joskus hyvä tarina jättää jutut auki!

Luulen että andy oli se kynävaras. Sehän hoiti Ronaldin ovelasti pois tieltä kun se pääsi asiasta jyvälle!!! -Ehkä se kahvipoika oli Andyn rikoskumppani! ehkä he yhdessä varastavat jopa kopiopaperia, tai (ei kai!!!) virallisia leimasimia joiden avulla voi väärentää henkkareita!

[Terminator Sergeant]

Kyllä se kahvipoika on syyllinen, hänhän on lähimpänä hovimestaria

[Datsi]

erittäin komea tarina, osaisimpa minäkin kirjoittaa yhtä hyvin...

sana "gahvey" vain jäi vaivaamaan. kyllä minä sen kahviä älysin tarkoittavan, siinä vain meni hetki...